


When we get all alone

by yourbuttervoicedbeau (kiwiana)



Category: Schitt's Creek
Genre: Epistolary, Implied/Referenced Sexting, M/M, Post-Episode: s05e10 Roadkill, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-13 16:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29031681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kiwiana/pseuds/yourbuttervoicedbeau
Summary: David:Okay, just got off the phone with Ronnie. She’s going to come round in the morning and give us a quote to fix the sink, which I will then be giving to Alexis. You’re lucky you’re an only child.
Relationships: Patrick Brewer/David Rose
Comments: 50
Kudos: 245





	When we get all alone

**Author's Note:**

> This has been in my WIP folder for months, literally months, as 'sexting' and they _would not fucking sext, just banter_. I said something about just deleting it and being done with it, and I was ~~harassed~~ gently encouraged to post it as is instead. 
> 
> If you recognise a couple of the jokes, it's because it's been a WIP so long I've literally stolen lines from it for other fics. Despite what my uni professors said, I can plagiarise myself if I want to.
> 
> Title is from Taylor Swift.

Patrick  
  
**Today** 5:15 PM  
**David:** Okay, just got off the phone with Ronnie. She’s going to come round in the morning and give us a quote to fix the sink, which I will then be giving to Alexis. You’re lucky you’re an only child.  
  
**Patrick:** Wow  
  
**Patrick:** I’m surprised Ronnie could squeeze us in that fast  
  
**David:** I may have mentioned that you were away until tomorrow aftenoon.  
  
**Patrick:** Ah  
  
**Patrick:** Well whatever gets it done I guess  
  
**David:** Ugh, remind me again why you had to be away overnight?  
  
**Patrick:** Sorry David  
  
**Patrick:** I guess I just find tax seminars more interesting than you ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
  
**David:** Okay, first of all, rude. Second of all, you know how I feel about emojis. How long did it take you to type that out?  
  
**Patrick:** It’s not an emoji it’s an emoticon  
  
**Patrick:** Well actually technically it’s a kaomoji  
  
**Patrick:** And I didn’t type it out I have it saved as a shortcut  
  
**Patrick:** Obviously  
  
**David:** Of course you do.  
  
**Patrick:** :)  
  
**David:** Don’t you have to like… actively convince your phone not to turn that into an emoji?  
  
**Patrick:** <3  
  
**David:** Wow, you’re the worst.   
  
**Patrick:** I don’t think you really think that  
  
**Patrick:** I have it on good authority that you think I’m simply  
  
**Patrick:** The best  
  
**Patrick:** Possibly even  
  
**Patrick:** Better than all the rest  
  
**David:** I am literally begging you to stop.  
  
**Patrick:** Luckily for you I do actually have to go  
  
**Patrick:** There’s this conference dinner I put my name down for  
  
**Patrick:** I’ll talk to you when I get back  
  
**Patrick:** Love you!  
  
**David:** Okay, have fun with the tax people. I love you.  
  
**Read** 5:57 PM

Patrick  
  
**Today** 9:23 PM  
**Patrick:** I’m so sorry David  
  
**Patrick:** That ran a lot later than I expected  
  
**Patrick:** And then I got chatting to a guy at my table  
  
**Patrick:** Are you still awake?  
  
**David:** …It’s 9:30, of course I’m still awake. We don’t all get up at the crack of dawn. Who did you get chatting to?  
  
**Patrick:** 7 is not the crack of dawn David  
  
**Patrick:** And his name’s Jason  
  
**Patrick:** He works in Thornbridge as an accountant  
  
**Patrick:** He specialises in small businesses  
  
**Patrick:** We had a really interesting conversation actually  
  
**David:** Mm. And does Jason… what’s the preferred nomenclature? Go to the gym?  
  
**Patrick:** Nomenclature?  
  
**Patrick:** Say hi to your mom for me  
  
**David:** Please don't force me to make a Your Mom joke at my age. Let me keep the little dignity I have left. Also your mom is the sweetest woman on the planet, she doesn't deserve that even if you do.  
  
**Patrick:** David  
  
**Patrick:** Jason was my dad's age  
  
**Patrick:** You have no reason to be jealous  
  
**David:** Okay, well, I never said I was jealous. Also, what is it with you and finding men with generationally inappropriate names?  
  
**Read** 9:56 PM Patrick is typing...

Patrick  
  
**Today** 10:01 PM  
**David:** You’ve been typing a really long time…  
  
**Patrick:** Sorry just checking something  
  
**Patrick:** Did you know David was the fourth most popular male baby name the year you were born?  
  
**David:** Thank you for not actually saying the year I was born. And why would I know that?  
  
**Patrick:** I’m just saying  
  
**Patrick:** I like my men generationally appropriately named  
  
**David:** The truly sad thing is, I don’t even think that’s the worst pickup line I’ve received.   
  
**Patrick:** Who says I was trying to pick you up  
  
**Patrick:** I actually have a real thing for my business partner so  
  
**David:** Hmm. If you’re not trying to pick me up, that makes the fact that I’m currently in your bed and cuddling your pillow a bit awkward.  
  
**Patrick:** What are you doing in my bed?!  
  
**David:** Um… you said it was okay!  
  
**Patrick:** David I’m kidding  
  
**Patrick:** I like that you’re there  
  
**Patrick:** I always want you in my bed  
  
**Patrick:** Even when I’m not there to enjoy the benefits  
  
**David:** Oh, okay. I wish you were here to enjoy the benefits too.  
  
**Today** 10:34 PM  
**David:** Okay, to be a bit more blunt: are we sexting or not?  
  
**Today** 10:39 PM  
**David:** Guess that’s a no. I’ll just have to take care of this neglected erection all by myself then  
  
**Today** 10:54 PM  
**David:** Fuck. Wish you’d been part of that.  
  
**David:** I’m guessing you’ve fallen asleep, and I have to clean up, so. I love you, I’ll see you tomorrow.  
  


Patrick  
  
**Today** 7:01 AM  
**Patrick:** I’m so sorry, David!  
  
**Patrick:** I fell asleep  
  
**Patrick:** The good news is I’m leaving right after the conference breakfast, so I should be home by midday  
  
**Patrick:** Stay in bed and I promise I’ll make it up to you  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks so much for reading! Come and find me on [Tumblr](http://yourbuttervoicedbeau.tumblr.com/).


End file.
